I dont know whats going on

Its been a year almost since i remember feeling the right side of my body for the first time.. I was standing in my room at the old sagewood house where i lived with greg and darren. It was night time i think or at least dark outside.. i remember standing there feeling as if the right side of my mind and body had just woken up for the first time.

I had never felt more alive..

Seeing life once again,

for the first time again,

at the late age of 22.

I stretched out my hand and looked at it for a while,

then began to actually touch, and feel once again,

just thinking to myself, oh god what i have missed out on,

for such a long time.

How could this have happened to me? What had happened to me? And why did I wake up then, there, that night. Man wtf.. how could the whole right side of me be asleep without me knowing for so long. I had been trying to get in tune with myself and my body for a bit before this incident so maybe that triggered it.. i really dont care what triggered it, im just thankful it did.

I had started using my left arm more often, trying to do as my right arm had done before for such a long time, maybe a reflex or an instinct.. point is why should my right arm do things my left arm cant, is this not my body? Shouldnt I be able to learn and teach both arms to perform equally? be able to stretch every finger individually and move them as I want?

I started writing with my left hand, sloppily and slowly, writing down my thoughts or writing down lyrics of songs, whatever came to my mind at the time, pretty good stuff imo ha.

I believe that as you begin to master your body, your mind grows stronger, your body begins to run more efficiently, you sort of evolve.. if u can call it that..

Life

Life.. what is life? How does one really know if they are alive? Does being part of the material world make you alive? Or must one seek life outside the physical world and live a life through their mind, soul and spirit?

I really have no idea, and I am quite sure many others before me, and even now, have felt this same way. I think I am alive.. I feel like I am alive.. but am I really? In the sense of life that we have all been brought up to know, then yeah of course I am alive.. my heart is pumping blood through my body, my lungs are taking in oxygen, and my brain is sending its neurological signals. I am alive in our physical world yes, but could i live another life spiritually?

El otro dia esta hablando con mis carnales, el pepe y el martuchita y empezamos a preguntarnos si la vida espiritual es mas importante que la materialista. Empezamos a discutir de como algunas personas pueden vivir sumamente felices sin tener todos los objetos materialisticos que hoy en dia nuestra sociedad nos hace pensar que son necesarios para obtener felicidad. Estas personas pueden estar felices porque aprecian lo que en realidad es importante en su vida y han logrado vivir una vida espiritual grandiosa. Pero tambien hablamos de como otras personas son felices obteniendo los objetos materialisticos que mas desean, es decir un coche de lujo, una enorme casa, o la mejor ropa que el dinero puede comprar. Estas personas "dicen" que son felices asi, pero puede comprarlo todo el dinero? Que hay de los amigos? O el amor de tu vida? estas cosas no se pueden comprar con el dinero.. Se ke en este mundo en cual vivimos, un poco de dinero es necesario para sobrevivir, pero porque tiene ke ser asi? como me gustaria regresar a una epoca donde podiamos vivir de lo que cazaramos, pescaramos o crecieramos dia por dia.. aaah that would be heaven..

Fate

So last night this movie im watching starts talking about fate.. you know, shit like, how your life got to be where it is at this precise moment or how everything that has happened in the past has lead your life in this certain direction..

So what if you could go back and change the direction your life was headed? Would you do it? Personally I wouldnt, although there are several things I would like to have happened instead of what actually DID happen, Im pretty content with the direction my life is headed. Ya casi acabo la universidad y ahora voy a poder a empezar a hacer lo que de verdad quiero hacer. A huevo!

Pero una cosa que de verdad me perpleja es el amor a primera vista o a primera instancia.. tu sabes de lo que hablo. Parece una idea abstracta pero debajo de todo creo que tiene sus verdades. Aunque es casi imposible encontrar este amor, creo que si existe. Como puedes explicar la historia de algun hombre que entra a un cafe, y mientras va a pedir su cafe, ve a una mujer sentada leyendo el mismo libro que esta leyendo el. Se acerca a ella y empiezan a hablar, una semana despues estan comprometidos.. Como se puede explicar esta ocurrencia? No creo que puede ser la loca suerte del mundo, pero entonces que? es el destino.

Each and every one of us have a destiny, we may not know what it is, how to achieve it, or when we will achieve it.. if ever. Maybe we already did? Maybe my destiny was to write this blog on the internet.. who the fuck knows? Sounds stupid right? but really think about it.. is it that stupid? Shit, it could be true. I have fulfilled my destiny right now..

Unfortunately, that is not the destiny for me. Maybe it is PART of my destiny but not the whole. I believe that one must decide their own destiny. The paths life takes while trying to achieve this destiny we will leave to fate and the crazy, inexplicable powers of life..

El primer post for g0m3z

So this is my first post ever on a blog..

I remember it wasn't long ago when I would say to myself "fuck blogs, ill never start one.."

Now looking back, I realize I was just being a pendejo.. thinking I was too cool to start a blog.. well look at me now.

Its so easy to share your thoughts if you're just looking at a computer screen..

A computer screen doesn't judge,

it doesn't laugh,

it doesn't scream,

it doesn't cry,

it doesn't love,

Fuck this computer screen..

Wait.. should I talk to it? Should I pretend like it gives a fuck?

Funny thing about this computer screen.. I know there is someone on the other side of it.

Y es por eso que puedo compartir todos mis pensamientos sin pensarlo dos veces.

Una cosa, one thing, you might wanna know, this blog estara en Spanglish.

One thing, una cosa, que a lo mejor querran saber, este blog will be in Spanglish.

Born in Oaxaca, exported to Austin.

Father = Mexican

Mother = American

What the fuck am I? Mexican American? Mexicano? Norte Americano?

White on the outside, brown on the inside.

What do you call that?

Soy mas mexicano que el frijol pero me creen americano.

Me camuflajeo entre los gringos, y a los hispanos ill eavesdrop on you sin que lo sepas.

I hear "fucking spics", "dirty mexicans", "mow my lawn".

Should I put up with this shit? Or should I flip?

Nah, ill chill, estos putos* no valen la pena, asi nacieron asi moriran.

Well.. Im gonna stop here e ir a darle unos putazos..

*putos - Don't mean any disrespect to the gay community. "Putos" in this sentence is closer to "motherfuckers"